The question sounds straightforward until the answers belong to people you love.
You might come from a family that prizes academic achievement, professional status, religious commitment or being available to others. You may share those priorities. You may also discover that some no longer fit in quite the same way. Recognizing the difference can feel disloyal before it feels clear.
In Connecting with your truth, Rebecca Guez explores this process of distinguishing your own inner direction from the expectations you have absorbed. She uses “truth” to describe an inward compass connected with values, purpose and intuition. Here, “truth” means what feels honest about your own experience. Another person’s intentions, or the facts of a situation, may still need checking.
Begin with a decision, rather than an identity
“What are my values?” can feel too large to answer. An actual decision gives the question a place to land.
Suppose you are deciding whether to accept an invitation at the end of a demanding week. You may care about friendship, reliability, rest and time with your family. Several values can matter at once. The difficulty is not necessarily that you lack an inner compass. It may be that you are choosing between priorities you genuinely hold.
It’s an ordinary example to consider alongside her conversation.
Ask what each possible choice protects, what it costs, and what commitment you have already made. The aim is a more honest decision, rather than a label that answers every future question.
Separate agreement from automatic agreement
Rebecca points out that sharing a value with your family or community is perfectly possible. Discovering your own direction does not require rejecting what you were taught.
The useful distinction is whether you can explain why the value matters to you now. “This is how we have always done it” describes an inheritance. “This practice helps me express something I care about” describes a choice you can examine.
You might decide to keep the practice. You might adapt it. You might need time to understand your hesitation before changing anything.
The same applies to definitions of success. A demanding career may be deeply meaningful to one person and a poor fit for another. A quieter season may be a chosen priority or a temporary necessity. Your circumstances, responsibilities and available options belong in the discussion alongside your preferences.
A feeling can begin an inquiry
In the episode, Rebecca describes the nagging sense that something is off: a school situation, a relationship or a possible business arrangement. She encourages paying attention rather than dismissing that feeling automatically.
That can be a starting point for a careful inquiry. What specifically is bothering you? What have you actually observed? Which concern is about a value, and which may be about uncertainty, fatigue, missing information or fear of change?
A feeling deserves attention without carrying the whole burden of a decision. If the stakes are substantial, gather facts, ask questions and seek appropriate expertise. Feeling uneasy about a contract, for example, is a reason to inspect it and clarify its terms, rather than evidence that every clause is wrong.
That practical distinction keeps intuition connected with the life in which a decision has to work.
Honesty still needs care
Rebecca’s walnut-salad example is unusually concrete. A person who cannot eat walnuts can say so with appreciation and clarity. They do not need to eat the food to protect the host’s feelings. They also do not need to insult the person who prepared it.
The example illustrates a distinction between the content of a boundary and its delivery. You can be clear about a need while taking care with your words.
There is a limit to what kindness can control. Even a respectfully communicated boundary may disappoint someone. You can’t guarantee their reaction. You can consider whether you were accurate, necessary and respectful, and you can make a repair if your delivery was hurtful.
Kindness helps you take responsibility for your delivery. It can’t promise an easy response.
Give yourself permission to be specific
It is easy to choose values that sound admirable: kindness, honesty, family, growth. Their meaning becomes clearer when you ask how they would appear on a particular day.
If you value kindness, does that include speaking to yourself with care after a mistake? If you value family, does it include listening when a family member’s preference differs from yours? If you value learning, are you willing to ask a question that reveals you don’t already know?
You may find that a familiar word has been carrying someone else’s definition. “Good parent,” for example, can mean being constantly available, keeping firm limits, giving children increasing independence or many other things. Naming the behavior helps you examine the definition you actually want to live by.
An exercise: three voices around one choice
This reflection was developed for this companion article.
Choose one manageable decision. Write three brief responses:
- The expected answer: What do I think others want me to choose?
- My honest preference: What do I want, including any uncertainty?
- The responsible choice: What fits my values, actual commitments and the facts I have?
The answers may overlap. That is useful information. If they differ, you don’t have to act immediately. Identify what you need to clarify: a practical constraint, a conversation, more information or a value you have not fully named.
End by writing one small next step. Avoid turning a single exercise into a demand to change your entire life.
Questions about finding your values
What if I do not know what I want?
Begin with a small choice and notice your preferences without demanding certainty. You can also identify what feels important to protect or understand. Rebecca’s episode invites an ongoing inquiry, rather than a one-time test.
Do my values have to differ from my family’s?
No. You may freely share them. The useful work is understanding what you choose and why, including where your interpretation differs.
Should I trust every uncomfortable feeling?
Treat it as something to explore. Feelings, evidence, responsibilities and appropriate professional advice can all contribute to a sound decision.
Give your own answer a little room
Your answer may arrive slowly. For now, notice one choice in which you usually consult everyone else first, and give yourself a moment to answer too.